More Than Meets the Eye

How much of what we “know” of someone is based on assumption? If we truly never made any assumptions about people, then how would we know whether or not we want to know more about them? Without assumptions there would be nothing to throw up warning flags in the face of a situation that could potentially cause pain physically or emotionally.

In a way, making assumptions is a defense mechanism. I believe it is actually necessary for us to read people and discern things about them. It is for our own protection! It is the reason I wouldn’t give a shady man at a gas station a ride. I assume that he wants to take advantage of me or hurt me. Assumptions save lives!

That is not to say we should always assume the worst about people. I am a big believer in giving people the benefit of the doubt, at least once. It is true that you can learn a lot about a person by observing them, but the thing to keep in mind is that what a person appears to be, or even tries to be, is not always what they truly are deep inside.

The way a person looks, talks, and acts sends messages, maybe even subliminally, that cause a certain emotional response. Based on these responses, we make decisions about whether or not we trust people, and whether or not we want to know more about them. Here’s an example: my brother is 6 feet 8 inches tall, built like an ox, has long hair, and is covered in tattoos. He used to be a prison guard for the navy, so he is trained in the art of “appearing tough.” When some people see him, they immediately form an opinion about him and think he is a bad dude with a propensity toward violence. I find that assumption hilarious because it couldn’t be further from the truth. For people to believe that about him and stay away actually causes them to miss out on getting to know a great person.

The assumptions we make are not always intentional. Sometimes they are just impressions we get and don’t even realize it until we say something based on that impression. Someone may even point out that what we said isn’t true, or is based on assumption.

Being able to read someone well is not the same thing as judging them. Although, the danger in doing that is that you could be wrong. (Even if you’re not wrong, people change and develop so much that your analysis of them may become wrong.) When that is the case, you actually may miss out on getting to know parts of that person that are different than what you assumed or expected.

Since it is human nature to read people and form assumptions about them, it is therefore unavoidable. Whether you like it or not, it is going to happen because you cannot control the emotions sent to you by your subconscious. The best way to handle it is to recognize these assumptions for what they are, and to be flexible with them. Nothing is set in stone.

Flexibility is a very important quality to have. We all know people who think they are right all the time and refuse to even entertain the possibility that they could be wrong. How annoying! The best thing a person can do is be humble and have an open mind. I’m working on this myself. I tend to jump to conclusions too quickly, probably because it is just my nature to want things to be resolved immediately. And if there’s no conclusion in sight, I’ll find one. I’m trying to find the patience to wait for people to show me before I decide for myself. It’s definitely a process, but every day is a new opportunity.

Give people a chance to be themselves. Let them show you who they are before you decide that for them. You will find that this will require you to have an open mind and an open heart. For a lot of people, that is a scary thing because there is always the chance that you will be hurt. But there is something to be gleaned even from pain. Enjoy the new opportunities that will arise when you keep your heart open and embrace every experience.

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~ by dinahwallace on March 5, 2010.